Something’s Wrong With Abernathy

$35.00

Description:

A murder mystery comedy. If you just want to have some fun with not a strong spiritual message, this whodunnit might be for you.

Description

A body ends up dead in the spa on the massage table, and of course everyone becomes a suspect.  But laughs are there with everyone moving the body… to the floor, to the couch, to the closet and on a chair rolled out the door.  Then it only gets funnier when the bumbling detective arrives.  He is a take off on the Inspector Clouseau character from The Pink Panther series.  He speaks with a bad French accent, and keeps getting facts and names wrong.  This character is the same one in the skit, Inspector Cole Slaw.

9 actors (8 speaking parts, gender is not that specific, but at least two men)  Under an hour.

Written By Warren Sager

With Christi Schultz, Stu Kilgour and my friends at Consider This.

CAST OF CHARACTERS
VICTORIA (Speaks 1700 words) Abernathy’s former fiancee. A bit ditzy.
ANDY (Speaks 1440 words) Massage therapist. Could be male or female
ZELDA (Speaks 1370 words) Spa manager. Could be male or female
WANDA (Speaks 1127 words) Cleaning lady or man.
COLESLAW (Speaks 1051words) Bumbling French Detective, take off on Insp. Clouseau (from the Pink Panther series)
OVERWARE (Speaks 834 words) P. I. Posing as a health inspector (M or F)
LEONA (Speaks 635) She makes smoothies at the spa (M or F)
UNDERHILL (Speaks 434) Overware’s asst. P. I. and also sibling. (M or F)
ABERNATHY (Speaks 0 words) Dead and gets moved around a lot on stage.

THE SETTING IS A MASSAGE ROOM IN A HEALTH SPA. THERE SHOULD BE A MASSAGE TABLE, A COUCH, A CLOSET, A CHAIR OR STOOL ON WHEELS, OTHER ITEMS TO FILL THE STAGE AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A NICE SPA.
MUSIC WILL BE PLAYED ALL THROUGHOUT THE PLAY. ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS A BODY BEING MOVED AROUND. SOMETHING FUN AND SOMETIMES MYSTERIOUS SOUNDING.

Excerpt:

SCENE ONE:
The scene opens to a spa and there is a man lying face down on the massage table. Another person enters, the massage therapist, and crosses over to begin work on the client.
ANDY
Good morning, Mr. Abernathy. Are you getting relaxed? Oh! You didn’t take off your shirt. Are you modest? It’s fine, but I’m a professional, so you don’t need to worry about that. Do you just want to keep it on, today? (Pause).. Well, I think someone has fallen asleep. You ought to be very relaxed then. Let me just get the music started.
The new age style relaxing music begins.
ANDY
I’ll start on your shoulders… wow… very tight and tense. You really need to relax. You’re so stiff! (Does some karate chops on his back) Now… that is to get your blood flowing, but I really need you to try to relax. Man! I don’t think I have ever felt such a stiffened body. It’s like you are getting more tense all the time. You’re awfully quiet. Not much of a talker? You can’t possibly be asleep. (Shakes him).. Sir? Are you okay? Sir? (Checks pulse on neck) What? Come on…. Give me a pulse…. (Checks pulse on wrist). No. This is NOT happening. Oh man… oh man.. This can’t be happening. Hello?? Mr. Abernathy?? Mr. Abernathy!!! You can’t hear me, can you? Oh man. Zelda! Something’s wrong with Abernathy!
Andy hurries out and the music changes to something more mysterious and foreboding. Soon two people return.
ANDY
See for yourself.
ZELDA
Are you sure? Mr. Abernathy? (Shakes him) Oh this is not good. This is really not good.
ANDY
Not good for him.
ZELDA
So, did he die during the massage?
ANDY
I really think he was dead when I came in here… but I can’t be sure. I mean, I was talking to him.
ZELDA
You were talking to him. And was he saying anything back? Because that would be an indication that he was NOT dead.
ANDY
I don’t recollect.
ZELDA
You don’t recollect?
ANDY
I don’t think he said anything! I told him to come in and get ready. I assumed that meant that he would take off his shirt and get on the table. I always give them a bit of privacy and then I come in.
ZELDA
He is wearing his shirt.
ANDY
I know!
ZELDA
Had he taken it off?
ANDY
Well, if he had.. Then he would be lying there shirtless, now wouldn’t he?
ZELDA
So he got on the table and did NOT take off his shirt and then he just died?? And you didn’t touch him?
ANDY
Of course I touched him! I was giving him a massage!
ZELDA
And you didn’t notice he was dead??
ANDY
Eventually! He’s stiff as a board. You touched him! Didn’t you notice how stiff he was? (He slaps the back)
ZELDA
Stop touching him!
ANDY
So, do we call 911?
ZELDA
Oh no!
ANDY
What’s wrong?
ZELDA
The health inspector! She’s here! I left her out in the lobby!
ANDY
So?
ZELDA
So??? We can’t have her come in here and find a dead body!! We’re barely passing as it is!
ANDY
It’s not our fault that someone died on our table.
ZELDA
But just the same… he did and he is still lying there… and she’s going to come in here and look around. We need to move the body.
ANDY
Move it where? Are you going to hide it from the health inspector? She looks at everything!
ZELDA
You’re right. There is no place to hide it.
ANDY
Well, I came in here thinking he was alive.. Maybe she will think the same thing.
ZELDA
That might work. Well, let’s get her in here before it starts smelling.
ANDY
Smelling? That’s not going to happen is it?
ZELDA
Don’t you watch cop shows? They are always covering their nose around dead bodies.
ANDY
I think that is after a few days.
ZELDA
Oh.. Maybe so.
ANDY
Well, lets get this over with.
ZELDA
Hey.. You just stand there and work on him and I’ll bring her in.
ANDY
What?
ZELDA
She won’t want to interrupt the massage. But we can get her in and out.
ANDY
So you want me to keep working on this human diving board the whole time? You just told me to stop touching him.
ZELDA
I know… but you’ve got to do it. You’ve got to.
Mrs. Overware enters.
OVERWARE
I’ve seen every room but this one. Can I just go ahead and look around?
ZELDA
Oh.. Sure… we just have a client in here, is all.
OVERWARE
Oh.. Alright. I’ll be very quiet.
Andy begins trying to massage the client again. Now he is very nervous and touching the body is really upsetting him. Overware looks around and then looks at the body on the table and takes a double take. The phone rings.
ZELDA
That’s the phone…
She exits and Andy looks at her with some fear of being left alone with the body and Overware.
OVERWARE
Excuse me… I hate to be a bother.. But I do have to inspect that table.
ANDY
I’m with a client.
OVERWARE
I just need to make sure that the table is safe and within all safety regulations.
ANDY
Okay. Well, I… I… I shouldn’t interrupt Mr. Abernathy’s massage.
OVERWARE
He’s lying so still.
ANDY
He fell asleep. It happens all the time.
OVERWARE
Oh.. So he won’t even know. Could you step away for a minute?
ANDY
I’m going to have to call my boss and get permission for this.
OVERWARE
You do what you have to do. I’m GOING to inspect this table.
Andy hurries out and leaves her alone with the body. She looks around and finally looks under the table at his face thru the hole. She reacts. She pulls our her cell phone and places a call.
OVERWARE
Hi.. It’s me. You’ll never guess what I am looking at. (Pause) I’m at a spa. (Pause). No, I’m working. I’m doing an inspection. And I’m looking at Abernathy. (Pause).. Yes.. THAT Abernathy… who do you think? He’s on the massage table. (She pokes him) I don’t think he is going anywhere. (Pause) Because I just poked him and he didn’t say ouch. They all stepped out and I’m alone with him. (Pause).. Well.. He looks dead to me.

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