The theme of “love is patient” comes out a few times as the king and queen try to help the young couple. Meanwhile, visiting Knights of the Round Table show up looking for some new recruits, which the king is excited about, but will this mean the young couple will have to wait even longer? There is a jester who is not funny, a wizard who can’t seem to do anything, and an ugly old peasant woman who is desperate to find a husband. The king and queen do talk about God’s love and how God is the one who brings people together.
11 Actors (7 male, 4 female) Plus extras. About 17-20 mins.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
QUEEN GWENDOLYN: Speaks 740 words. A good queen, but likes to meddle in match making.
KING GARTHER: Speaks 465 words. A good king, but likes people to think he’s King Arthur.
SIR LOVESALOT: Speaks 286 words. A good knight, in love with Emeline, but too shy to speak to her.
JESTER CHESTER: Speaks 221 words. A very bad jester. Tells really bad jokes.
WIZARD: Speaks 134 words. A fumbling wizard who never actually makes anything happen.
PERCIVAL: Speaks 129 words. A traveling knight of the round table.
OLD PEASANT WOMAN: Speaks 122 words. Ugly hag desperately looking for a husband.
SIR WHINESALOT: Speaks 101 words. Always losing at what he does.
BORS: Speaks 65 words. A traveling knight of the round table.
EMELINE: Speaks 50 words. Secretly in love with Sir Lovesalot.
BEATRIX: Speaks 22 words. Emeline’s friend.
CROWD: Extras.
Excerpt:
JESTER CHESTER
Lords and ladies… people and peasants…
OLD PEASANT WOMAN
But peasants are people!
JESTER CHESTER
I give you… The Royal Highnesses of Mundania, King Garther and Queen Gwendolyn!
The king and queen enter all majestic and regal. Thrones are brought in for them to sit in… or they’re already there.
OLD PEASANT WOMAN
King Arthur? I thought he wasn’t real.
KING GARTHER
Can’t I make a grandiose entrance without someone ruining it by saying “I thought he wasn’t real”?? Robin Hood! He’s the fake! I’m the real thing!
SIR WHINESALOT
Robin’s real. We have a time share down in South Oxey. He takes the summers. Play handball now and then…
KING GARTHER
Fine! Robin’s real! How about the Easter Bunny! eh!?!? (looks around the room) Easter Bunny!?!? Anyone hang out with the Easter Bunny?!?! Right then! Easter bunny is fake! I’m the real thing!!”
Some children leave crying.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Nice going “Real Thing”!!
SIR WHINESALOT
Robin wouldn’t have done that. Just saying…
KING GARTHER
Silence!
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
We wouldn’t have this problem if you would just teach them how to say your name properly. King Garther!
KING GARTHER
No… it’s fine. (He likes being confused with the legend)
Everyone begins to practice saying his name. Not all together… but they try to pronounce the (hard) G at the and of king.
CROWD
King ‘guh’ Arthur…. King ‘guh’ Arthur…. etc..
KING GARTHER
I need to laugh! Bring in the court jester!
SIR WHINESALOT
(Yelling)
Chester the jester! Jester Chester!!
JESTER CHESTER
I’m right here.
SIR WHINESALOT
Right!
KING GARTHER
Entertain us! Make me laugh!
JESTER CHESTER
I just rode in from Gloucester and boy are my arms tired!
Dead pan faces and no one laughs… no one gets it.
WIZARD
They laughed so loud, it hurt my ears. Try that one again in 700 years.
KING GARTHER
Tell me again why I haven’t had him executed.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Because we don’t do that, dear. And because he is your third cousin twice removed on your mother’s side.
KING GARTHER
Let’s begin the festival! Bring on the knights!!
JESTER CHESTER
The knights! Sir Whinesalot and Sir Lovesalot! The knights!
CROWD
(Teasing)
Sir.. LOVES A LOT!!!
The two step forward and take their position. The King and Queen stand.
KING GARTHER
Let the tournament begin!
The queen drops a hanky and the two begin to play “Rock Paper Scissors”
SIR WHINESALOT AND SIR LOVESALOT
One two three! One two three! One two three!
Lovesalot wins and everyone cheers and the festival is over.
SIR WHINESALOT
Oh man!
Two ladies come together near the front of the stage to speak to each other, out of range of others.
BEATRIX
Emeline, I saw the way you were looking at Sir Lovesalot.
EMELINE
I can’t help it, Beatrix. I can’t stop thinking about him.
BEATRIX
Has he spoken to you?
EMELINE
He doesn’t even know I exist.
BEATRIX
You need to talk to him!
EMELINE
Oh! I couldn’t!
They exit. The Peasant Woman approaches Lovesalot and smiles big revealing missing teeth (blacked out).
OLD PEASANT WOMAN
Hello dearie! I think you’re a dream boat! Would you be looking for a wife, because I’d be looking for a husband??
Lovesalot has a look of panic and horror on his face and runs off. She goes after Whinesalot.
OLD PEASANT WOMAN
How about you? I’m not particular!!
SIR WHINESALOT
Me??? I … I …. I…. I’m spoken for.
OLD PEASANT WOMAN
Oh! Indeed! Who is she? Is she as purdy as I am?? You bring her here!
He just stands there staring at her in shock for a minute.
SIR WHINESALOT
Good bye, now!
He hurries off after Lovesalot.
OLD PEASANT WOMAN
A woman could develop an inferiority complex around here.
She wanders off. The knights enter again once they see she has gone.
SIR LOVESALOT
Did you see her?
SIR WHINESALOT
Who? Brunhilda?
SIR LOVESALOT
Emeline! She is such a thing of beauty!
SIR WHINESALOT
Wow! I do believe you have a crush on lady Emeline!
SIR LOVESALOT
Do I ever!!
SIR WHINESALOT
Does she like you, too?
SIR LOVESALOT
I don’t know.
SIR WHINESALOT
Why not?
SIR LOVESALOT
I don’t think she even knows I exist.
SIR WHINESALOT
You just won the Rock Paper Scissors tournament! I think she knows. Everyone knows. And everyone knows that I lost… again!
SIR LOVESALOT
You just need to practice more. There’s a thumb wrestling tournament coming up and you could be working on that.
He starts to wiggle his thumb
SIR WHINESALOT
After the last one… I had to wear a cast on my thumb for weeks!
He exits wiggling his thumb in practice. The Queen approaches Sir L.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Sir Lovesalot?
SIR LOVESALOT
Yes, your highness.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Congratulations on winning the tournament.
SIR LOVESALOT
Thank you. You are most kind.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
How will you celebrate?
SIR LOVESALOT
Celebrate?
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
I dare say, you must surely want to celebrate your victory! Perhaps you will come to the royal ball tonight.
SIR LOVESALOT
Oh yes, your majesty… I wouldn’t miss it.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
And who will you be bringing with you?
SIR LOVESALOT
Bringing with me? You mean, like my mother?
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Your mother?? No… not your mother! Isn’t there a lady in our kingdom who has caught your eye?
SIR LOVESALOT
Oh, that. Well… Uh… I guess there is.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
There is?? Oh… who is it? Who? You must tell me!!
SIR LOVESALOT
I must? Okay. It’s Lady Emeline. I pray for her every day!
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Oh my! You and Lady Emeline! That’s wonderful news! I had no idea! Which one is Lady Emeline? Oh, you don’t have to tell me, I’ll find out. How long has this been going on?
SIR LOVESALOT
How long has what been going on?
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
You and lady Emeline!
SIR LOVESALOT
Oh! You mean, how long have I been watching her?
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
How long have you two been…. (Pause as she looks at him) watching her? What do you mean watching her?
SIR LOVESALOT
You asked if someone has caught my eye. Well, that’s as far as it has gone. I watch her from a distance. She doesn’t know anything about it.
QUEEN GWENDOLYN
Indeed! That will not do! That surely will not do! Oh dear! We need to get you two together. Well, you just leave it to me.
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