What Are You Addicted To?

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

Written by Warren Sager

(The setting is a little coffee shop and folks are gathering in the morning before starting their day. A lady enters and buys a cup of coffee and sits down and another joins her at the table.)

MARGE: Hi Jean. Nice morning isn’t it?

JEAN: Yeah… it’s beautiful! Aren’t you going to get some coffee?

MARGE: No… none for me. I might get some orange juice in a minute. I finally got myself off of coffee.

JEAN: What do you mean off of coffee?

MARGE: Oh… I just don’t drink that stuff any more.

JEAN: Oh, you mean because of the caffeine? You could always do decaffeinated you know.

MARGE: Nope.

JEAN: Well, I have to have my cup of coffee in the morning. If I don’t have a cup of coffee, then I get a headache. It’s weird, but I’ve noticed every time that I miss my coffee… a headache is guaranteed. It also helps me in some other ways too, if you catch my drift. I sometimes have several cups.

MARGE: I used to be like that.

JEAN: It also helps me wake up in the morning. I don’t always sleep very well at night. Then when I finally get to sleep, my sleep is restless and I just wake up so wiped out and tired.

MARGE: (reaches into her purse and pulls out a bottle of pills) I used to have the same problem until I started taking these. You would have to get a doctor to prescribe them, but this stuff really works. I take one every night and I always have a good night’s sleep.

JEAN: Sleeping pills?

MARGE: Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. It really works. When you don’t sleep well, this is the answer.

WAITRESS: (coming to the table) Anything for you this morning?

MARGE: I’ll have a glass of orange juice.

JEAN: Another cup of java please.

(Two men enter and sit at another table)

HANK: So, Joe said to me that he was not even talking to her throughout the entire meeting!

JERRY: Weren’t they supposed to be discussing the whole project during the meeting?

HANK: Yeah, but he just could not bring himself to talk to her.

JERRY: That is so unprofessional.

HANK: Well, that’s Joe. He takes things so seriously sometimes… usually he gets himself in big trouble. That’s how he messed up his marriage you know.

JERRY: Joe’s been married?

HANK: A couple of times! The first time she left him after only about 3 weeks or something like that. I heard that he was driving her crazy. And the second wife hung in there for a couple of years. He says he left her because she was cheating, but that’s not what I heard.

JERRY: You know, Hank, this sounds like more information about Joe than what I am supposed to get.

HANK: No, not at all. This was from a very reliable source: his secretary.

JERRY: Weren’t you dating Joe’s secretary for awhile?

HANK: Yeah… boy is she ever informed about stuff. What an interesting date, too. Man, I could tell you stuff about her!

(Waitress comes over to their table)

WAITRESS: Hello. What would you gentlemen like this morning?

JERRY: I’ll have a latte and put 3 lumps of sugar in it.

HANK: Just a blue berry muffin for me please. (To Jerry) Boy, Jerry, you like your coffee sweet, don’t you?

JERRY: I gotta get my sugar fix. Before we leave here, I’ll probably have a couple of donuts.

HANK: And you keep all those candy bars on your desk!

JERRY: One for every break!

HANK: Oh that reminds me. I found out who was stealing the candy bars from the vending machine. It was Pete in the mail room. He was figuring out how to jimmy the machine and get everything for free. I think he got put on probation or something. I’m not sure… he might lose his job completely.

JERRY: Well, I would think they would fire him.

HANK: Well, it is really a problem that he has. Turns out he’s a klepto. He can’t help himself. I heard that they are going to get him some help.

JERRY: That’s too bad. I just don’t understand people who are like that. You know, they just can’t help themselves…? It’s like an addiction or something. (The waitress brings the coffee and muffin.) Is that muffin all you’re having?

HANK: I’m not paying the prices for anything else they have in here! This muffin cost over a dollar! That’s highway robbery. I don’t even want to know what you pay for that latte. You know that most of what you pay for is the fancy name.

JERRY: Hank, it’s not like you can’t afford it. We make the same money. What’s the deal? I mean, I see you brown bagging it every day.

HANK: You should see how much money I save by bringing my own lunch. I mean, I would hate to see how much you spend on stuff every day. Just those candy bars alone… that is enormous. And you go out to eat every day! It’s just senseless if you ask me.

JERRY: I wondered why you never came with us.

(A teen age girl enters and goes up to the counter to talk to the waitress)

BETHANY: Hey Jessica! How do you like it? (She spins around showing off her clothes)

WAITRESS: Don’t tell me you bought another new outfit!

BETHANY: Yeah… I couldn’t resist it. It was on sale you know.
WAITRESS: But that is your 3rd new outfit in a week isn’t it?

BETHANY: 4th I think, but who’s counting? And oh, take a look at this. I got this cool bracelet at that Outlet Mall. They have so many neat stores there.

WAITRESS: I bet they all know you by your first name.

BETHANY: Huh?

WAITRESS: You just seem to shop all the time! I don’t think I have ever seen you without something brand new on.

BETHANY: So?

WAITRESS: I’ll pray for you. You might be addicted to shopping.

BETHANY: Pray for me? Addicted? That sounds really crazy.

WAITRESS: Yes it does… but people have addictions all the time. All sorts. Its not just drugs you know. People are addicted to all sorts of things. But the Lord can deliver you.

BETHANY: So you think I have an addiction to shopping?

WAITRESS: Well, if you can’t help yourself. When you see a neat outfit on sale, can you resist the temptation to buy it?

BETHANY: Temptation? You mean buying clothes is a sin?

WAITRESS: Well, it can be. It depends on the person. I see them in here all the time… like the people that are in here right now. Every one of them is addicted to something.

BETHANY: What?

WAITRESS: Yeah… see those two men over there? One of them is addicted to chocolate and sugar. He always has a couple of donuts every morning. I heard him say he eats candy bars all day long. The other guy has two addictions. He is a compulsive gossip and he pinches pennies.

BETHANY: Pinches pennies?

WAITRESS: That means he’s a tight wad. He has to save money all the time… he won’t spend money on stuff …and thinks everything is expensive. This lady over here is addicted to coffee.

BETHANY: How can you tell that? This is a coffee shop. Everyone who comes in here has a cup of coffee.

WAITRESS: Yeah, but she is different. She uses it like a drug. It keeps her from having headaches. She has to get the caffeine into her system or the headache kicks in. The headache is really the start of withdrawals from not having the caffeine in so many hours. I guarantee you that she drinks it all day long. She’ll be having another one. The gal with her is addicted to sleeping pills. She has them in her purse and they are the only things that help her sleep.

BETHANY: Wow! You are in the wrong line of work, sister. That is really something.

WAITRESS: I just notice this stuff because I know what Jesus delivered me from. I pray for my customers… especially when I hear them talking and I can see the addictions. I doubt most of them even know. Anyway…I didn’t mean to upset you. You came in here in a really good mood.

BETHANY: Oh, yeah… sure no problem. I can see how you can so easily spot that sort of thing… you would automatically tell me. That is a loving sister.

WAITRESS: I guess I can’t help it. Eeek… I hope that doesn’t mean I’m addicted to seeing people’s addictions!

BETHANY: Oh, that’s funny.

WAITRESS: What have you got planned for the day, Bethany?

BETHANY: Oh I was just heading over to the new Macy’s across the street. Today is the grand opening…. Oh my….

WAITRESS: Do I need to pray for you?

BETHANY: I guess so. Man! (She starts to leave)

WAITRESS: I’m sorry, Bethany!

BETHANY: No, no…that’s okay. I’ll see you later. (Lady enters)

WAITRESS: Bye Bethany! Hello, may I help you?

LADY: I’ll have an herbal tea. (She opens her purse and takes out a mirror and looks at herself, adjusting her hair and her lips and such. She puts the mirror away. The ladies at the table are watching her. Then she notices a piece of lint on her dress… pulls it off and looks around for a trash can. Goes over to the trash can and puts the lint in the trash can. There is a tray sitting crooked on the top of the trash can and she straightens it. Walks back over to the counter and starts rearranging some of the items that seem out of place or crooked. The waitress comes back with her tea. She has the lid on crooked, and the lady takes it and puts it on straight. She pulls the money out of her wallet and every bill is in order facing the same way. She hands her a 10. The waitress makes change and hands her all the money in a pile.

WAITRESS: Here’s your change.

LADY: Don’t you count change back? That’s alright, I’ll do it. (She takes each bill and straightens the bill and unwrinkles it and puts them all facing the same way and places them in order in her wallet… and then takes the coin and puts each coin into a different compartment in her purse.) May I have a couple of extra napkins please? And do you have one of those cardboard carrying things to hold it? I don’t want this to spill in my car. Thank you. You have a nice day, and your tie is crooked. (She exits. The waitress sighs and shakes her head.)

JEAN: Oh Waitress, I could not help but notice that last customer of yours. Did you notice that? She was a compulsive neat freak. I’ve seen people like that before.

WAITRESS: Oh, yes, I noticed. It is really an addiction.

JEAN: Addiction?

MARGE: That’s silly! Why would you say that?

WAITRESS: Because I know what I was delivered from. Jesus set me free. My father was an alcoholic, and for me, it was Pepsi.

JEAN: Pepsi?

WAITRESS: Yep. I could not go a day without one. But I’m free now. If you ever want to hear my story, just ask. Oh… are you ready for your third coffee?

JEAN: Oh yes, thank you….wait, how did you know I was having another?

WAITRESS: You always have another. It’s the one for the road.

JEAN: (looks puzzled) Oh… right. (She looks at Jessica and back at Marge, thinking about the whole thing. (Lights)

THE END

Copyright 2003 Warren Sager