If you know the characters already, then you can imagine Margaret’s feelings about eating at some little ‘greasy spoon’ and all of them trying to decide what to order from the menu. Velma is back, too (trying to order a TV dinner) and most of the original cast from the first play. We also meet a couple of waitresses and the cook plus a few diner patrons who wander in. Scooter shares the gospel with one of the waitresses and the other one remembers that it was Harry Murphy who witnessed to her years before and planted a seed that eventually led to her conversion to Christ. Still a lot of humor that is more character driven and mostly involving food and eating. There is a sweet ending involving a homeless man.
Cast of 20. (6 adult males, 7 adult females, 2 teens-male & female, and 3 kids. +2 diner patrons – any gender) One set. About 40-45 mins
CAST OF CHARACTERS
BERNICE: Speaks 680 words. The waitress at the diner.
MARGARET: Speaks 549 words. Helen Murphy’s uptight sister
ANNIE: 430 words. The Christian waitress.
FRANK: 420 words. The cook and diner owner.
SCOOTER: 377 words. The Murphy’s youngest son
HELEN: 370 words. Wife of Harry Murphy, mother of 3
JIM: 347 words. Margaret’s oldest, married to Sharon
HARRY: 341 words. Helen’s husband.
VELMA: 324 words. The Murphy’s eccentric elderly neighbor
CHRIS: 277 word. Murphy’s teenage son
SANDY: 270 words. Murphy’s teenage daughter
GEORGE: 267 words. Margaret’s husband
JANNY: 191 words. Margaret’s youngest daughter
KELLY: 187 words. Diner patron
SHARON: 177 words. Jim’s wife
JAMIE: 160 words. Margaret’s oldest daughter
LES: 132 words. Diner patron
WALTER: 81 words. Homeless man
GRANDPA: 81 words. Margaret and Helen’s dad
GRANDMA: 63 words. Margaret and Helen’s mom
The entire play takes place in one room in a roadside diner. It can be set up like a cafe dining room or an old fashioned diner with counter and everything. Whatever works best for you.
Excerpt:
BERNICE
Hi, I’m Bernice, I’ll be your waitress this evening.
(They all say ‘hello’ and ‘merry Christmas’).
BERNICE
What brings you guys out on a night like this?
HELEN
Can you believe we’re on our way to a wedding?
BERNICE
A wedding? On Christmas?
MARGARET
Yes! Can you believe that? My crazy brother finally decides to get married and his silly bride wants to do it on Christmas Day!
BERNICE
Well, he’ll never forget their anniversary.
HARRY
That’s probably why Eddie agreed to it!
MARGARET
Right now I’m wishing that we hadn’t agreed to come.
HELEN
We were supposed to be there by now…but we got lost a few times, and the bus needed to be worked on…
HARRY
It’s not a bus, Helen. Stop calling it a bus.
HELEN
Anyway…so now we are going stay here and drive on in the morning. Everyone was hungry, so we’ve been looking for a place to eat for awhile now.
SANDY
Every place we tried was closed.
BERNICE
I think we’re the only ones open.
GRANDMA
Well, we’re sure thankful that you are!
MARGARET
That remains to be seen. Are we going to get the tables put together?
BERNICE
Like I said, you can do whatever you want. I’ll give you your menus.
(Depending on how you want to stage this, you can either have them move the tables to one long table, or they just all sit down at separate tables and nothing gets moved, which could bother Margaret even more. They all stand about wondering how they should sit.)
HELEN
Where would you like to sit, Velma?
VELMA
Do ya got a TV in heah? I wanna sit where I can see the TV!
BERNICE
Sorry…no TV. We’re not a sports bar.
MARGARET
(Mumbling to herself)
You’re not a restaurant either.
VELMA
Where’s your bathroom! I gotta use it!
BERNICE
It’s right back there, but I think your husband just went in there.
MARGARET
You’ve only got one bathroom? (To Helen) They’ve only got one bathroom!
VELMA
Couldn’t have been my husband! He’s been dead for years!
GRANDMA
It was mine!
VELMA
That’s okay. I can hold it. I really just wanted to wash my hands. I always wash my hands when I go to a restaurant. My daughtah in Wiscaansin nevah washes her hands when she goes someplace, but I always wash my hands! You gotta daughtah?
(Scooter returns.)
HELEN
Velma…the waitress needs to keep working. We don’t want to detain her.
VELMA
Huh? Oh.
BERNICE
How ‘bout I take your drink orders while you get seated.
HELEN
We’ve all had lots to drink today, why don’t you just bring us all water.
BERNICE
Water for everybody…I’ll go and get that while you think about your meals.
(She hands all the menus to Margaret and exits. Margaret just stands there holding the menus in shock. Sharon takes them and passes them to everyone.)
SCOOTER
Mom… can I sit with Jim and Sharon?
SANDY
I’m sitting with Jim and Sharon.
CHRIS
So am I.
HELEN
You guys don’t crowd Jim and Sharon, now.
SHARON
Oh, we don’t mind. They’re not crowding us.
HARRY
Why don’t you sit with Grandpa, Scoot?
SCOOTER
Grandpa? No! Please! No old people!
HELEN
What?
JIM
Why Scooter?
SCOOTER
Because they have hearing aides and they’re always playing with them and sometimes they fall out and they have ear wax all over them and it might fall in my plate or something! I could get ear wax on my food!
HELEN
Oh, that’s not going to happen and you know it!
SCOOTER
It could. Grandpa is always turning it and turning it…it’s like he’s dialing an old fashioned phone on two sides of his head!
He starts demonstrating with his hands. Helen slaps his hands down.
HELEN
Stop that!
JANNY
I don’t want to sit with Grandpa either. Or Velma. They might get old person dust all over the place. Plaaaah!
SHARON
Old person dust? What are you talking about?
JANNY
How should I know? I’m not old! They get like dandruff and old dried skin dust all over the place.
JAMIE
And they smell like old milk.
JANNY
Yeah!
MARGARET
That’s nonsense!
CHRIS
Not really. Joe Dimaggio smelled like old milk. I read that someplace. It’s in print! That might be what killed Marilyn Monroe.
JANNY
Who? I don’t even know those people!
SANDY
Chris is the only person of his generation who knows about old Hollywood.
HELEN
You kids settle down. Be quiet.
HARRY
Sit wherever you like. Sit with us, if you want.
SCOOTER
And Velma will watch me eat! She points at my food and says “look out! It’s going to drip! Oh, now look over there!” It’s like you’re a secret agent who can’t let any sauce hit the plate or Dr. Deathface’s satellite laser will kill us all!
HELEN
Scooter.
SANDY
(Now getting in on it)
And they always order fish.
CHRIS
Oh, you’re right! Fish that always smells like a gas station men’s room!
SANDY
And then the fish smell mixes with the perfume and old milk smell.
JAMIE
Eeeewwww!
JANNY
Gross!
SCOOTER
Yeah… and it causes a chemical reaction that blows up half the universe!
All the kids are enjoying this and start laughing.
HELEN
That is ENOUGH! If I hear one more word from any of you… you’re sitting by me!
MARGARET
And that goes for you girls, too. (Pause) Girls, how do I smell?
JANNY
(Goes and hugs her mom)
Like roses, Mommy.
(Scooter makes ‘finger in the mouth’ gag motion. Sandy punches him hard in the shoulder, almost knocking him over. The older generation have been oblivious to this whole conversation.)
GRANDMA
Janny, Jamie…you girls want to sit with us?
JANNY
(Quickly)
Mom wants me to sit with her.
JAMIE
Yeah… me too. Sorry, Grandma.
GEORGE
Scooter…did you get a cool prize?
SCOOTER
Nah… I got nuthin’. I think it’s rigged.
MARGARET
(Mumbles to herself)
Waste of fifty cents.
(Everyone is seated and Bernice comes back with some waters. The old folks all sit together. As Bernice takes their orders…she may talk quietly (no sound) to different characters to get their orders while other conversations are going on.)
MARGARET
What does everybody think? Shouldn’t we all order the same thing? That way it would seem more like a family dinner. You know, if we were eating the same thing.
HELEN
I would imagine that would be easier on the cook also.
MARGARET
Exactly.
HARRY
What do you suggest, Margaret?
MARGARET
Turkey dinner, of course.
BERNICE
14 turkey dinners? I’m not sure we could do that.
GEORGE
I’m not that fond of turkey, myself.
MARGARET
George! What do you mean you’re not fond of turkey? I thought you liked turkey.
GEORGE
It’s okay. I mean, when you spend hours on Thanksgiving and Christmas putting the bird together, I admit that it does turn out pretty good, but have you ever ordered a turkey dinner in a place like this?
MARGARET
George…I doubt I’ve ever eaten in a place like this.
GEORGE
Well, let me put it this way…I guarantee you that they haven’t been cooking a big bird back there all afternoon!
MARGARET
Then how do they have it on their menu?
GEORGE
It’s frozen. They probably just stick it in the microwave and thaw it out.
MARGARET
You’ve got to be joking!
She looks at Bernice and she just shrugs her shoulders.
MARGARET
So all of this stuff on the menu…(Pause) I think I may have just lost my appetite.
SCOOTER
Mom… can I order pancakes?
HELEN
Pancakes?
SCOOTER
Yeah…they have pancakes and I like pancakes.
JANNY
I want to have pancakes, too.
GEORGE
You don’t care if the kids have pancakes, do you, Hon?
MARGARET
Huh? They want breakfast? (Giving up temporarily) Oh….whatever.
JAMIE
I want to have the turkey dinner. That way it will feel more like Christmas.
MARGARET
I don’t think that will make you think of Christmas, Dear.
SANDY
I might have the turkey dinner also.
HARRY
You sure you don’t want to have a burger and fries? That’s what I’m having.
GEORGE
Me, too.
HARRY
I bet this place can do a mean burger?
MARGARET
(Not liking the mental picture)
A mean burger?
CHRIS
I’ll have the burger. Put lots of barbecue sauce on it.
HELEN
Barbecue sauce? On a burger?
CHRIS
It will give it some real personality.
JIM
That’s it, Chris. A meal with personality.
SANDY
I don’t know. Nothing on this menu is talking to me. I don’t see any personalities on here!
CHRIS
I thought you wanted turkey? That fits your personality!
SANDY
You calling me a turkey?
CHRIS
Did I say that?
SANDY
You implied it.
CHRIS
(Being coy)
I think you’re reading into what I said.
JIM
Well, Chris, that helps me make my decision. I’ll have the chicken fried steak.
CHRIS
How did I help you choose that??
JIM
It’s the one with the personality! It was speaking to me. I heard it calling…. Order me! Order the Chicken Fried Steak!
MARGARET
What? Chicken fried steak? What is that exactly? Is it chicken or steak?
SHARON
Isn’t that chicken that’s cooked like a steak?
JIM
No, it’s steak that’s fried like a chicken.
MARGARET
A steak fried like a chicken? What in the world? Are you even my son?
JIM
You should try it, Mom. On second thought, maybe not. It might not be your thing.
MARGARET
You think?
SHARON
I’ll have that, too.
SANDY
What is that? Is it good?
SHARON
Do you like steak?
SANDY
I like chicken.
SHARON
It doesn’t taste like chicken.
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