As Nellie’s patience runs thin… they encounter one problem after another. Finally, Aunt Marty shows up, and she does nothing but joke about what a bad cook she, herself is. (She knows all the jokes… and she can deliver!) This lightens the tense mood until Richard, the groom, shows up to try out the cooking and the aunts are concerned that it might not be edible. Mostly humorous and even when God, Jesus and scripture is mentioned, it is to show the groom how he needs God’s help to demonstrate love and kindness to his wife in spite of her cooking.
Only four actors (3 female, one male) About 20 mins.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
AUNT NELLIE: Speaks 1597 words. A slightly impatient aunt who decides to teach her niece how to cook as a wedding present.
MARY BETH: Speaks 834 words. A young bride-to-be who wants to learn to cook for her new husband, but she’s somewhat dim-witted and can’t even boil water.
AUNT MARTY: Speaks 513 words. Worlds worst cook, or so it would seem with all her jokes about it. She’s all about the comedy.
RICHARD: Speaks 270 words. Loves Mary Beth, but makes it clear that he wants her to learn to cook, and he’s very outspoken about not taking short cuts.
Staging: Set up a mock (or real) kitchen where the audience can see what is happening. Have a counter area where you can chop onions and break eggs… You will need some pots and pans, bowls, knife, measuring utensils, and some food to work with: Onion, garlic, eggs, and 2 real chocolate cakes, one frosted and one not.
Excerpt:
NELLIE
Well come on in, Mary Beth and we’ll get started.
MARY BETH
I sure appreciate you doing this Aunt Nellie.
NELLIE
Nonsense! I am really looking forward to it! I’m just happy that you asked me. A cook loves to share her knowledge with others and this will be a lot fun… showing you some of my tricks of the trade! You just consider this your wedding present from me.
MARY BETH
I know that Richard really wants to marry a good cook. I told him that I was taking some lessons and he seemed really happy about that.
NELLIE
Sure! A way to a man’s heart… and all that.
MARY BETH
We’ll get to find out what he thinks… he’s stopping by here later to pick me up. I thought he could sample some of my cooking.
NELLIE
Today?? Well… let’s hope we can make a lot of progress the first time. So… how much cooking experience do you have? I know your mom wasn’t ever much for cooking, was she?
MARY BETH
I put a frozen dinner in the microwave once.
NELLIE
(Laughs)
I didn’t know you were so funny, Mary Beth!
MARY BETH
Why is that funny?
Nellie looks at her with surprise and realizes that she is serious.
NELLIE
Maybe it’s not. Oh dear. Well, let’s get started. I thought we would make spaghetti. It’s not that difficult.
MARY BETH
Great! I love spaghetti!
NELLIE
Good. And the great thing is that spaghetti is easy! First, you’ll need a large pot. Here’s one. Now fill this with water and put it on the stove to boil.
She takes pan to the sink
MARY BETH
Should I use hot water or cold water?
NELLIE
(Can’t believe the question)
Well, you’re going to boil it, so it won’t matter… but cold water will take a little longer.
MARY BETH
Maybe I should write that down.
NELLIE
You can’t remember that?
MARY BETH
I probably won’t remember anything. That’s why I thought I should write it down.
NELLIE
I’ll give you some recipes. If you just follow the recipe, you should be fine.
(More sarcastic)
Although, most recipes probably won’t tell you what temperature the water should be before you boil it.
MARY BETH
See? I should write it down!
NELLIE
Go ahead and put that on the stove and get it started.
She sets it on the stove.
MARY BETH
How do I get it to boil?
NELLIE
(She laughs and realizes again that MB is serious)
Uh… turn it on… the one that goes with the pot.
MARY BETH
How far?
NELLIE
All the way to the highest… you want it to boil.
MARY BETH
And how will I know when it’s done?
Nellie just stares at her in disbelief
NELLIE
When it boils. (Pause) The water becomes all bubbly.
MARY BETH
Oh… right.
NELLIE
Put the lid on, it will go faster. Meanwhile… let’s get started on the sauce.
MARY BETH
Ooooh… the sauce. Wait. Don’t I need to watch the water? How will I know when it boils?
NELLIE
Don’t worry. You’ll know. We’ll hear it. There’s a saying, “A watched pot never boils.”
MARY BETH
Really?
NELLIE
It just seems that way. Now… Let’s start with an onion. Always remember to wash your hands before you start touching your food.
MARY BETH
I think they’re clean.
NELLIE
Wash them again… just in case. You’ll be washing them a lot.
MARY BETH
Really?
NELLIE
Really.
They wash
MARY BETH
You’re not a germaphobe are you, Aunt Nellie?
NELLIE
No, dear. Okay… now… take your onion. You peel it like this and then we cut it in half.
She grabs a knife and holds it up, and MB flinches and jumps back.
NELLIE
What’s wrong? You’re not afraid of knives, are you?
MARY BETH
Uh, YEAH! They’re very sharp and you can get hurt. What if I cut my fingers off?
NELLIE
That would be bad. You watch me., now… you just need to be careful. Now, you hold the knife like this and you place your other hand here and you curl your fingers under like this… “so that you don’t cut your fingers off”… and you make small chops in the onion like this. Cutting it in very small pieces. See?
MARY BETH
Wow… that’s strong! The smell, I mean.
NELLIE
Wait till we add the garlic. Now… I want you to try this.
MARY BETH
You want me to eat that??
NELLIE
No… I want you to try to chop it up like I was showing you.
MARY BETH
Oh. Isn’t there a safer way? I mean with all of today’s technology, they don’t have something that can do that?
NELLIE
Sure… there are chopper things. You put the onion in and push down on the lid and it chops and dices. But I’m teaching you the basics. This is how I learned.
MARY BETH
No offense, Aunt Nellie… but I think times have changed in the last 50 years.
NELLIE
Well, it hasn’t been 50 years for me… but I catch your drift. Just humor me and try this, okay?
MB starts chopping and soon she starts to cry.
MARY BETH
Oh! That burns my eyes! It makes my eyes water really bad. I don’t think I can do this!
NELLIE
Okay, I’ll tell you what… I’ll finish the onions. Let me show you the garlic. See? Take off the peel and cut it fine like you did the onion.
She shows her how to do the garlic
MARY BETH
Whooh! Smell that! You sure we want that in there?
NELLIE
Those are the aromatics. It all comes together and makes for a very yummy dish.
MARY BETH
If you say so.
NELLIE
Oh… and there are a few tricks. Like peeling the skin off the onion under water. That cuts down on the burning.
MARY BETH
Now you tell me.
NELLIE
Okay… so the next thing we need is the tomato sauce. So, I have a can of tomatoes. We mix this up with the onions and garlic and we add some salt and pepper. And we put it on the stove.
MARY BETH
How will I know how much salt and pepper to use?
NELLIE
You keep tasting it to see if it tastes right. You keep adding more till you like it.
MARY BETH
I don’t know.
NELLIE
You don’t know what?
MARY BETH
All of this. It sounds really hard. I don’t know if I can do it.
NELLIE
It takes practice. And with you getting married, you will get to practice on your husband every night.
MARY BETH
Every night! No… I think we’ll eat out most nights.
NELLIE
No! Mary Beth… you said your husband wants a cook for a wife… that means he’ll want you to cook most nights. Eating out is something that you do on occasion.
MARY BETH
But this is just too hard!
NELLIE
Okay… let me show you something. I hesitate to do this… but here…
She reaches below in a cupboard and pulls out a jar.
MARY BETH
What’s this?
NELLIE
Spaghetti sauce. You just dump this in a pan and heat it up and put it on your spaghetti.
MARY BETH
It comes in a jar??
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