Inspector Cole Slaw

9 actors. (4 men and 5 women) Gender is adjustable.

Written by Warren Sager
With Christi Schultz and Stu Kilgour

CAST OF CHARACTERS
INSPECTOR COLESLAW (Speaks 1006 words) Bumbling detective who is a take off on the Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther series. Silly accent and comedic behavior.
ADRIANA (Speaks 295 words) The real thief who pretends to be simply annoyed by him
HOSTESS (Speaks 273 words) She interacts mostly with the Inspector.
PHILLIPPE (Speaks 76 words) The other thief who is posing as a waiter.
COLETTE (Speaks 76 words) Posing as guest but actually knows all the answers
GERARD (Speaks 61 words) He thinks he is Adriana’s boyfriend.
PANICKED WOMAN (Speaks 15 words) Guest who gets excited easily
BABETTE (Speaks 4 words) Another guest
RANDOM PERSON (Speaks 1 word)

Excerpt:
LIGHTS UP ON:
SCENE:
A bumbling detective along the lines and even copying and mocking Inspector Clouseau. A statue has been stolen and was sculpted by a famous artist. Adolfo BleepBloopity (the name is pronounced tonally. Whenever someone says his name, they must sing it in a high pitch tone, bleepbloopity.) Some of the comedy in the play can be physical. Meanwhile, the statue is on a table and covered with a cloth and it is in plain sight, so that the inspector goes right by it and even places his hand on it while thinking.
As the play begins… folks are seated at tables and eating. At a good point in the meal, perhaps toward the end, there is a commotion as the Inspector enters the room and demands to speak to the person in charge. If possible, he should speak with a French accent, even if it is a bad one.

INSPECTOR COLESLAW
Your attention, pleeasse! I am Inspector Coleslew (pronounced Cole Slew) Please do not be alarmed. No one is to leave the premiseeess. Who is in charge?
HOSTESS
Excuse me! Who are you?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
I am the internationally famoos detective, Inspector Coleslew.
HOSTESS
How do you say your last name?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
Coleslew.
HOSTESS
Could you spell that for me?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
(Irritated)
If I must… C-O-L-E-S-L-A-W!!
HOSTESS
That spells Cole slaw
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
It is pronounced Cole SLEW! I’m Inspector Jacquelyn Coleslaw. (ZHOCK-uh-linn ColeSLEW)
HOSTESS
Did you say Jacquelyn? Isn’t that a girl’s name?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
Jacquelyn is a girl’s name… ZHOCK-uh-linn is a man!
HOSTESS
I see… and why are you here?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
This, my dear, is a crime sin.
HOSTESS
It’s a what?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
A crime sin.
HOSTESS
Crime sin?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
What?
HOSTESS
You said crime sin.
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
Sin! Sin! S-c-e-n-e! Sin! Crime Sin!
HOSTESS
I see. What crime was committed here?
PANICKED WOMAN
There’s been a murder!!
HOSTESS
Murder??!!
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
I did not say anything about a murder! Do not get your pinnties all up in a bunch! There has in fact been a theft of the most serious nature! Someone in this rim has stolen a famooss statue. (pronounced StaCHEW)
HOSTESS
God bless you.
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
Pardon? (pronounced parDOAN)
HOSTESS
You sneezed
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
I did not sneeze! StaCHEW! StaCHEW! S-t-a-t-u-e! StaCHEW!
RANDOM PERSON
Gesundheit!
HOSTESS
Oh, I see. You think that someone here, one of our guests is a statue thief? Which statue was stolen? It wasn’t a Michelangelo was it?
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
No! But instead a famoos work of the world renown arteest, Adolfo “BleepBloopity”
ADRIANA
Adolfo “BleepBloopity”?? Why he’s the one who sculpted the Mona Lisa!
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
The Mona Lisa is a painTING! Not a staCHEW!
GERARD
Adriana… you are thinking of Eduardo “RottleRottle” (also pronounced tonal with a low pitch grumble) HE is the sculptor of the Mona Lisa! And yes… someone did make a Mona Lisa statue.
INSPECTOR COLESLAW
That’s absurd!
ADRIANA
No, Gerard, it could not have been Eduardo “RottleRottle”. I clearly remember his name being Adolfo “BleepBloopity”. I mean, I don’t think I would ever forget a name like… Adolfo!
COLETTE
You are both wrong. The Mona Lisa was sculpted by the great Leonardo “BleepityBleepityBloopBloopBloop”.