One pirate band is called the Pirates of the Carob Bean, (they have been eating carob instead of chocolate) and the other one is the Pirates of Penn’s Aunts. (The captain is Penn, and all the rest are women, his older aunts.) They meet the daughter of the chocolatier and she is not afraid of them and is protective of her father, who, a Christian, decides to give away all his chocolate as a love gift in Jesus’ name. This becomes a problem for the pirates who want to take it by force, not as a gift. Overwhelmed by the love of God, the pirates are changed. A lot of humor and jokes throughout, with the message not being too powerful or overbearing. Mostly silly and done for laughs.
11 actors (6 male, 5 female) plus extras. About 20-25 mins.
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
CAPTAIN PENN: Speaks 604 words. The male leader of a band of female pirates, his aunts.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA: Speaks 494 words. The leader of the other band of pirates.
BONNIE: Speaks 372 words. The daughter of the village chocolatier.
COCO: 353 words. The village chocolatier and strong believer in the Lord.
DONATELLO: 254 words. One of the pirates, who wears a D on his bandana.
ANNALISE: 250 words. Bonnie’s friend in the village.
LOUDMOUTH LORRAINE: 153 words. A female pirate.
GLADYS: 146 words. A female pirate.
GUNPOWDER GERTIE: 138 words. A female pirate.
SPECKLEDBEARD: 134 words. A male pirate.
SASHA: 119 words. A male pirate.
EXTRAS: More pirates and villagers can be added as needed like the banana person at the end.
There is really no set necessary for this play. Everything takes place on the street somewhere near the chocolatier shop in the village. Perhaps a backdrop of a seaport village in pirate times. You can be creative and do whatever you want. Costumes should reflect the times and usual pirate garb.
Excerpt:
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Avast, ye mateys! I think there are a lot of people coming. It could be that the village has put together a mob to defend themselves from our attack.
DONATELLO
Are we attacking?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
No… but they don’t know that! Smartly now! All ye mateys hide!
Several respond with “Aye Aye, Captain!” At first they all run in circles… and run into each other as they try to figure out where to hide. Eventually, they all get hidden… or perhaps comically hidden, where we can actually still see them, but no one else actually does. Perhaps one of them picks up a potted plant and just holds it in front of his face. The other pirates enter, also acting very stealth-like.
PENN
Keep on the lookout, me hearties! There could be pirates lurking just about anywhere.
ALL
PIRATES!!?
GLADYS
Wait… we’re pirates.
PENN
That ship we saw in the harbor is a pirate ship. So, keep watch!
GUNPOWDER GERTIE
If we see them… we’ll fight them! They’re no match for us!
PENN
I hate to break this to you, Gertie… but you’re all women… and you’re rather old. Until we can see who these pirates are… we can’t be sure that we are stronger than them.
At this… all the other pirates jump out and do the “aaarrrrggghh” thing. They quickly divide so that each group is opposite the other and the two captains face off.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
And who might you be?
PENN
I’m Captain Penn. And these are me mateys.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
They’re funny looking mateys!
SPECKLEDBEARD
Your mateys are ladies!
The women all growl and snarl
PENN
Okay… so they’re not men. They’re actually my aunts.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Your aunts?
PENN
Aye… that’s right. We’re the famous Pirates of Penn’s Aunts.
SPECKLEDBEARD
I never heard of ye!
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
So… they’re all sisters?
PENN
That’s right.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Where’s your mother?
PENN
Don’t speak of me mother!!
At this the women all begin to weep. Then Penn snaps his fingers and they stop.
PENN
And who might you be?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
We are the famous Pirates of the Carob Bean.
PENN
I’m sorry, did you say, Carob BEAN?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Aye… you know, like a cocoa bean, but much healthier. The carob plant is really quite good for you.
PENN
I see. And your name?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
(Mumbles under his breath)
Captain Tra La La.
PENN
I’m sorry, what did you say?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Captain Tra La La.
PENN
Captain Tra La La???
Penn and all the ladies begin to laugh and then the other pirates start laughing, too. The captain snaps his fingers and his men quickly stop laughing.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
It’s French, okay?
PENN
(Still giggling)
Sure. Whatever you say.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
At least I’m not traveling with me aunts! Blimey!
PENN
Don’t say anything about me aunts, you scurvy dog. If it weren’t for them… who knows where I would be today?
GUNPOWDER GERTIE
Yeah! They don’t call me Gunpowder Gertie for nothing!
LOUDMOUTH LORRAINE
What does that have to do with anything?
GLADYS
She likes telling folks her name. She thinks it scares them.
SPECKLEDBEARD
How do we know ye are really pirates?
GUNPOWDER GERTIE
Because we Aaaaarrrrrr!
DONATELLO
By the way… what ARE ye doing here?
GLADYS
We could ask you that same question. Or this one: Why does ye have a big “D” on your bandana?
DONATELLO
If my bandana didn’t have a D it would be a banana! Now wouldn’t I look silly wearing a banana on me head!?
LOUDMOUTH LORRAINE
That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard! Gladys… you should never have asked him that question. Ask a question that might have a decent answer.
GLADYS
Like what?
LOUDMOUTH LORRAINE
I don’t know… Like, why is a seagull called a seagull?
SPECKLEDBEARD
I know that one! Because it flies over the sea?
SASHA
What… so, if it flew over the bay, it would be a bagel?
GLADYS
(To Donatello)
No… the best question is the one you are avoiding… what are ye doing here?
DONATELLO
Aaaaarrrrrr!
GLADYS
That’s not an answer!
DONATELLO
Oh, but it is…. According to pirate law… Aaarrrr is always an acceptable answer to any question!
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Hold on there… we’re not answering because a pirate never gives away his plans.
PENN
That’s right. Because if there is treasure involved, a pirate always wants to keep it to himself.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Absolutely. No pirate is going to share his quest with another pirate from another pirate ship. Especially if the pirates are lassies!
PENN
So, we can only assume that we are each on a quest for some kind of booty.
SPECKLEDBEARD
(To the captain)
But what if they are after the same treasure that we are after?
GUNPOWDER GERTIE
(To Specklebeard)
OR… what if you are after the same treasure that we are after?
SPECKLEDBEARD
I just said that. Didn’t I just say that?
DONATELLO
It sounded the same… but I think it was completely different.
SASHA
No… it wasn’t different. It was the same.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Quiet! I need to think!
PENN
What do ye think, Aunts?
GUNPOWDER GERTIE
I wouldn’t trust those scurvy dogs as far as I can spit!
LOUDMOUTH LORRAINE
Ye can spit a long ways, Gertie! I’ve seen it.
GLADYS
This could be a trick, Penn. Maybe they ain’t on a quest at all. But they think we know about a treasure, so they want to get in on it… the lily livered parrot kissers!
SASHA
I’ve never kissed a parrot!
DONATELLO
It’s a trick, Captain! Them scallywags are bluffing about why they are here. They think we know where a booty is and they want to find out, too. So they can steal our coffer!
SASHA
You can’t call them scallywags! They’re gals! Wait… do we have a coffer?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
I call for the truth! Based on number 649 of the Pirate’s Code! Ye must tell me your quest.
PENN
What?? What are you talking about?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Ye don’t know the Pirate’s Code?? What kind of pirate are you? When two pirate captains meet, the first one to call for truth based on code 647…
PENN
I thought it was 649.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Right. Anyway… thus said pirate captain must reveal the truth of his quest.
PENN
Well… (long pause as he tried to put words together) I call for samesies, based on code 649 addendum A.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
What?
PENN
Ye haven’t read the addendums in the Pirate Code book? Addendum A states that the pirate who is forced to abide by code 649 can call samesies and both captains must speak their quest at the exact same time.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Drat! Ye are a clever one! Speckledbeard… you count to three, and we’ll both say it.
SPECKLEDBEARD
To three? Uh…. Uh… maybe Donatello should do it.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Somebody do it!
DONATELLO
ONE! TWO! THREE!
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA & PENN
CHOCOLATE! (shock) CHOCOLATE?
DONATELLO
How did you know about the chocolate?
SPECKLEDBEARD
Wait… so there’s no loot?
GLADYS
We’re all cooks and we love to cook with chocolate. How did ye find out?
LOUDMOUTH LORRAINE
Wait! I thought ye were the Pirates of the Carob Bean! Don’t you eat carob instead of chocolate? You know, because it is healthier, more nutritional… and what not?
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
Aye… we are. And carob is good and all…. But… chocolate is SO much better!! And we haven’t had any in a long, long time! We heard that this village has a chocolatier!
BONNIE
(GASP)
PENN
What was that?
GLADYS
What?
PENN
I heard someone gasp.
CAPTAIN TRA LA LA
I heard it, too. But it wasn’t exactly a gasp.
SPECKLEDBEARD
I think it was more like a gulp.
SASHA
Wasn’t it more like a cough? A cough or a sneeze…
GUNPOWDER GERTIE
It definitely wasn’t a cough. More like a wince.
DONATELLO
Can ye even hear someone wince, Lass?
PENN
The point is…. There is someone else here besides us! Someone has been listening in on our conversation. And whoever ye are… you had better reveal yourself now, or ye will have to deal with two bands of pirates!
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