Cast of 17 (9 males, 8 females) plus extras. Play should run about 90 mins.
CAST OF CHARACTERS (Number of lines will vary depending on which ending is used. There are six possible endings.)
INSPECTOR JACQUELINE COLESLAW: Speaks 210 times. The detective (Crazy French accent and seems incompetent but is actually quite clever in spite of himself) (Typed phonetically to help with an accent)
CAPTAIN SKIP HALE: Speaks 99 times (finds out that Tilly is his daughter, hasn’t told his wife. Has monologue at start) He is one of the 12 suspects.
MILLIE AYERS: Speaks 77 times. Millionairess (Speaks with a Texan accent and jealous of how Tilly is flirting with her husband) She is one of the 12 suspects.
CLYDE SNICKERS: Speaks 71 times. Comedian on the cruise line (Likes Tilly, but she keeps refusing his advances. His dark side comes out) He is one of the 12 suspects.
TINA WELLER: Speaks 69 times. A rival dancer to Tilly Tapps (jealous of all the attention that Tilly is getting from the Captain and wants to break her leg so she won’t be head dancer.) She is one of the 12 suspects.
WOODY MAKEIT: Speaks 63 times. Ventriloquist (the dummy’s name is Betty Won’t- female doll) (Tilly owes him a great deal of money. At first he was helping her out but now he wants paid. She is hoping to get it from the Captain.) He is one of the 12 suspects.
DAWN FULLER: Speaks 58 times. Another dancer/singer- rival to Tilly (Hired by Jan to push his wife, Millie down the stairs.) She is one of the 12 suspects.
THURSTON “Triple threat” VOWEL: Speaks 54 times. Singer and dancer (also secretly Tilly’s step brother, found out that Tilly is in the will and he doesn’t want to share) He is one of the 12 suspects.
VIVIAN: Speaks 53 times. Captain’s wife (Thinks that her husband is interested in Tilly so she hates her) She is one of the 12 suspects.
JAN(pronounced Yan)Ayers: Speaks 46 times. married into money (Speaks with strong German accent and wants to kill his wealthy wife, Mille and hires someone to push her down the stairs.) He is one of the 12 suspects. (Typed phonetically to help with an accent)
DR. CHASE SPADE: Speaks 46 times. Ship’s doctor. (He was a foster sibling with Tilly and Merianne and he and Merianne plotted to one day get revenge on their mean sister) He is one of the 12 suspects.
MERIANNE CHA: Speaks 44 times. The professor’s sister (She was in Foster care with Tilly and Tilly was mean to her, tried to keep her from getting adopted. Tilly does not recognize her) She is one of the 12 suspects.
GIL: Speaks 43 times. Another male dancer at the table with Dawn, Tina, Woody and Thurston (he remains at the table when the others head upstairs)
EUNICE BETS CHA: Speaks 31 times. a professor (Only person who remains at the Captain’s table)
TILLY: Speaks 28 times. The victim. Not a nice person.
WILBUR: Speaks 19 times. A waiter (Tilly treated him like a lowly servant, being rude and mean) He is one of the 12.
MINNIE: Speaks 19 times. A waitress (She is in the dining room at the time of the murder)
EXTRAS: Ship security officer, other waiters/waitresses, other guests
SET: There is a table up front where the Captain is going to have his table and another table somewhere in the room with other cast members. A large staircase behind the Captain’s table going to an upper level deck. SCENE ONE: THE DINING HALL ABOARD THE SHIP As people are entering to sit at the Captain’s table, Tilly enters and Clyde walks in behind her and grabs her by the arm. She stops and turns around and sees that it is Clyde and she quickly jerks her arm away as he tries to talk to her but she moves on quickly to her spot at the table. Everyone sits and the Captain comes in last. The Waiter and Waitress bring in all the meals on carts so that they can give them out quickly. Some of the plates could have been placed before lights come up. You may want to seat the actors on one side of the table to open them up better for audience viewing. At the Captain’s table: Captain, Vivian, Tilly, Clyde, Jan, Millie, Eunice, Merianne. At other table: Tina, Dawn, Thurston, Woody, Gil. LIGHTS UP ON SCENE MILLIE Oh, this looks really good! VIVIAN We have the best chef. TILLY Oh Waiter! Mine is cold. Bring me another one. WILBUR It can’t be cold. TILLY Are you questioning me? WILBUR No Ma’am. (takes her plate) TILLY (to the people around her) The help here is very sub par. (Wilbur makes a dirty face at her when she is not looking) CLYDE Mine is not cold. (The Captain stands at the head of the table and addresses the crowd.)
Excerpt:
SCENE TWO: SOME TIME LATER. EVERYONE IS STANDING AROUND. THE BODY IS GONE.
LIGHTS UP
Spade enters
DR CHASE SPADE I have the body on a gurney in sick bay. How long before they get that inspector on board the ship?
CAPTAIN Well, they took the Minnow, our ship’s dinghy, and with this storm, the Minnow could be lost.
DAWN The Minnow could be tossed?
CAPTAIN No, lost. The Minnow could be lost.
DR CHASE SPADE I’ll go and check on it. (He exits)
CLYDE How long are we going to wait here?
TINA Yeah! Can’t we go to our rooms or something?
CAPTAIN I think we need to all stay put until the inspector arrives. He will be in charge of what happens next.
CLYDE It’s not like we can leave the ship. We are miles out to sea.
CAPTAIN Still. I think we need to just stay here.
WOODY What about the show?
CAPTAIN There will be no show tonight. How could we do that now? Nobody will be in the mood for that.
EUNICE Do you really think someone killed her? Couldn’t she have just tripped and fallen?
CAPTAIN Well, I hope that is the case.
DAWN Unless someone wanted her dead. GIL But who would want to kill Tilly?
DAWN You know how they always look at the husband first… well, she wasn’t married, but she had a man in her life.
CLYDE She did?
DAWN Oh, come on, Clyde! It was you!
CLYDE Not true! (Pause as they all stare in unbelief) Okay.. maybe I was interested, but she did not reciprocate.
DAWN Right. And you just kept on pestering her.
WOODY Dawn’s right. I saw it, too.
DAWN It was clearly sexual harassment.
CLYDE You can’t prove any of that. It’s not true.
MILLIE She may not have liked Clyde, but she was clearly interested in my husband.
JAN Millie! Don’t be ridiculous!
MILLIE Are you going to deny that she was flirting with you at dinner?
JAN Not any more dan you vere flirting vit Clyde. (Inspector Cole Slaw enters abruptly and walks center stage followed by Spade. The inspector is wearing disposable gloves. He is not watching where he is going and walks right into the waitress with a tray of things)
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW
NOBOODY MOVES… (He crashes with the waitress and she drops the tray making a big loud crash. Nothing breakable… just noisy. Perhaps some empty metal pitchers. He quickly composes himself as if nothing happened.)
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW
NOBODY MOVES FROM ZISS PLACE!
SEVERAL Who are you?
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW I am zee internationally famoos detective Jacqueline ColeSlaw! (Zhock-uh-lun Coleslew)
DR CHASE SPADE I found him. He finally arrived. He has been on board the ship for awhile inspecting the body.
VIVIAN Wait. Did you say your name is Jacqueline? Isn’t that a woman’s name?
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Jacqueline is a woman. ZHOCK-uh-lun is a MAN!
CAPTAIN Thank you for getting here so quickly, uh…(starts to say his name but decides against it) Inspector … what was your name again?
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Coleslew.
CAPTAIN How do you spell that?
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW
C-O-L-E-S-L-A-W!
CAPTAIN But that spells Cole Slaw.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW I knew! But it is pronounced ColeSLEW! New! Let me make myself perfectly clear! No one iss to leafe!
DR CHASE SPADE Well, Inspector, we are all on a cruise ship a few miles from shore.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Oui! (wee) I knew. I arrived on zat thingy.
CAPTAIN The Dinghy? Yes… we were concerned that you were lost.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Just a beet tossed. When I arrived, I asked to see ze boody.
CAPTAIN What?
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW What?
CAPTAIN You said, “Boody”.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Boody! Boody! I went to inspect ze boody!
SEVERAL Body! Oh! He said, Body.
CAPTAIN And what is your deduction?
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW She iss dead.
CAPTAIN Right. But do you think it was foul play?
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW I do not knew eef eet was a play.. Or eef eet was foul..
MERIANNE So, you are saying you don’t know.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW I wass not zere! Wass I? But I will get to ze bottoms of ziss case… and I will solve eet! And EEF zere was a murrderrr… I weell catch ze culprit.
CAPTAIN I hope so. This is not good for business.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Ze boody was covered wiss bruises and cuts.
TINA From falling down the stairs.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Oui! I need to knew who was pressent at ze time of death.
VIVIAN That’s easy… everyone in this room.
INSPECTOR COLE SLAW Thenn… I musst interview each and every ONE!
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